Those You've Known
by ebnovotny
Summary: What happens when Eli is without those he has known? My first Degrassi fan fic. Eclare. Rated T for theme and a few bad words. Please review!


**A/N: Sooooo. This is my first Eclare ever. Also my first time writing a story like this. I've started four other Eclare stories and this was the first to get finished, so there must be something important about it. It was emotional to write and I hope you guys get emotional when you read it.**

**If anyone is a fan of **_**Spring Awakening**_**, yes, this was inspired by the song "Those You've Known". I recommend giving it a listen. It's beautiful**.

**Please leave me a review at the end, even if it's small.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or the characters. Oh BOY, I wish I did, though. Oh the things I would make them do…Anyway! I also don't own Spring Awakening or the song I mentioned. They were purely inspiration.**

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Eli Goldsworthy sat in the hospital chair next to Clare's bed, holding her hand. He watched her face through tear-filled eyes and scooted closer.

"Tell me he'll be all right," she requested, her voice weak.

Eli swallowed hard and forced a small smile onto his face. "He's gonna be fine. He'll be great."

"We didn't even get to see him," she continued, hardly letting Eli finish his sentence.

"We will."

They were quiet for a long moment before Clare spoke again.

"I wish Adam were here."

"Me, too."

Clare looked over at Eli, her face paler than it should be. "I miss him," she whispered, her bottom lip trembling and tears falling from her eyes.

Eli nodded, his smile gone. "I know."

"I want…I want to name the baby Adam."

Eli sat back a bit, his brow slightly furrowed. "Are you sure?"

Clare nodded and reached out for Eli. He put his face in her palm and closed his eyes to the touch. When he closed his eyes, a vision of his former best friend flashed in his mind. Before he could stop himself, he saw Adam as he had last seen him…

_Eli hadn't heard from Adam since the night before. When the younger boy didn't show up for school that day (something his mother never would have allowed, unless he was on his deathbed), Eli knew something had to be wrong. He went over to the Torres' house and parked Morty in the driveway. He walked up the steps and rang the doorbell. Mrs. Torres answered the door, a look of poorly hidden disgust on her face._

"_Elijah. I'm surprised to see you here," she said._

_Eli furrowed his brow and struggled not to call her a bitch to her face. "I was just coming by to check on Adam. Is he sick? He didn't show up to school today."_

_Eli knew there was the possibility that Adam wasn't really sick. He had known his best friend to fake a cough and temperature before so that he wouldn't have to go to school. When Adam started to date Fiona, his tormentors were merciless. Adam never caught a break at school and since there were so many people doing it, Principal Simpson had a hard time getting things under control. Tired of having to move schools, and NOT wanting to be separated from Fiona, Eli, and Clare, Adam kept his parents in the dark about what was happening and made Drew swear that he wouldn't tell, either._

_Mrs. Torres looked confused now. "Sick? No. I dropped him off at school this morning. He's supposed to be with you."_

_Eli frowned. It was one thing for Adam to stay home all day, faking sick and reading comics. But if he had skipped school after already making it onto school grounds without calling his best friend to hang with him, Eli knew something wasn't right. _

"_You mean he's NOT with you?" she asked. Eli shook his head. "Adam!" she called out now, going down up the stairs towards his bedroom, leaving the front door wide open. Eli rested in the door frame and watched her, listening for a response. He got one that he didn't expect._

_Mrs. Torres screamed a sound that would echo in his brain for months to come. He ran up the stairs, taking two at a time and stopped as he saw her kneeling in the doorway of Adam's bedroom. Eli felt the color drain from his face and he forced himself to step forward._

_He looked into the bedroom and saw his best friend, lying on the bed. There was a gun in his right hand and a bullet wound in the side of his head. Eli felt faint and pushed his back up against the wall, falling slowly to the floor as his knees lost all of their strength._

"Eli?" he heard Clare's voice ask. He squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them to look at her. She rubbed her thumb against his cheek and he turned his hand to kiss her palm.

"Sorry," he muttered. "Just thinking."

Clare nodded and Eli assumed that she knew what he was thinking about. He pulled his chair closer to her and gently rested his head on the edge of her bed. She ran her fingers through his hair soothingly, moving it out of his eyes.

"I can't believe we're parents," she said. He could hear the smile in her voice and that made him smile, too.

"Crazy, right? You were amazing, Clare."

She was quiet and Eli thought maybe she had fallen asleep. She was in labor with their son for 10 hours and he knew she had to be exhausted. Eli, himself, was almost asleep when he heard her speak again.

"Are you scared?" she asked, her voice a whisper.

Eli shook his head. "No way," he lied. He opened his eyes to look up at her, not lifting his head. "You're going to be a great mom." He knew that was true, but he was scared shitless. He was only 19. She was 17, on the brink of turning 18. Clare convinced him that she was ready for sex and, on their one year anniversary, he made love to her. A few months later, she came to him and told him she was pregnant. It was a shock at first, but they managed to tell his parents and hers mostly unscathed. When Clare was six months pregnant, they moved into an apartment that Eli's father was paying for. Clare's mother threw a fit over it, but Clare stood by her decisions, knowing that it was time for her to grow up. They took birthing classes together and got the nursery ready. They were becoming their own little family unit and it was perfect. But Eli was still scared.

When Adam killed himself, Clare was Eli's rock. Eli would not have made it through everything without her. Adam left a note on his desk, addressed to his parents, brother, Fiona, Clare, and Eli. It said that he was sorry. That was it. No answers. No excuses. Nothing to ease the pain that they all now felt because of what he had done. Eli was sad, but he was also angry. Clare tried to calm him, but he knew there was nothing that would calm him down when he got angry like that. So when he punched a hole in their new apartment's walls, she would just patch it up. She had to go back to the hardware store twice for small cans of touch up paint to match the living room and hallway. When he was calm enough to sit still, she would shower him with kisses and ask him to feel the baby kick. Any anger residue melted away and he would scoot down, putting his lips to her stomach.

He often found himself in this position, especially when Clare was sleeping and he couldn't. He would lie next to her stomach and speak softly to the baby, telling him about his future grandparents, about his parents' lives, about Adam. Some nights, Clare would reach down and stroke his head as he spoke to the baby and he would continue as if he thought she was still asleep.

"And your mom," he said one night, "She's actually an alien from outer space." He smiled wide to himself when he heard her hold back a laugh. "Yeah, she came to Earth looking for a mate and she found me. Weird, right? But I guess that's good for you. Sure, she eats tin cans, but she's gonna love you so much." Eli kissed her stomach and crawled up, laying his head on the pillow, next to her face.

"You are so many levels of ridiculous," she said to him.

He smiled nodded, looking somber. "It's true. But _you_ picked me." Clare laughed softly and reached up, brushing his hair from his eyes. Eli put Clare's face in both of his hands and he kissed her passionately.

Eli was in the middle of a job at the auto repair shop where he worked when he got the phone call that Clare had gone into labor at school. He quickly washed up and sped to the hospital. He held her hand the entire time. When the baby…Adam…was born, there was something wrong. Eli couldn't understand what the doctor was saying, only that Adam wasn't crying. They whisked the baby away without letting Clare or Eli see him.

He looked up at Clare and saw her eyes drooping shut. He sat up and leaned towards her face, putting his lips gently to hers. She kissed him back and they stayed like that for a long moment. When Eli pulled back, she opened her blue eyes to look at him.

"I love you," he said. She smiled at him, her eyes closing again.

"Love you."

Eli rested his head on the edge of her bed once more and let sleep finally overcome him.

He furrowed his brow as a loud beeping penetrated his dreams. He stirred and groaned, not ready to wake up, yet. He reached up, thinking that he was reaching for his alarm, and put his hand into something wet. Suddenly, many things happened at once. Eli sat up sleepily, wondering how his hand made its way into a puddle. The door to Clare's room burst open and the place was filled with people. There was still a loud beeping noise and Eli fought to wake himself up enough to find the alarm and turn it off.

"Her blood pressure has severely dropped."

Eli turned towards the voice and felt his chair get pushed out of the way, further from Clare's bed. He blinked a few times and then looked down at his hand. He fought back the bile that rose in his throat when he realized the puddle he put his hand in was a puddle of blood. He touched his head where the blood had been and pulled it away, looking at it again. When no more blood appeared on his hand, he stood and looked at Clare. Her eyes were still closed, sleeping, her face deathly pale.

"Clare!" he heard his voice call, but he didn't remember opening his mouth speak. He moved towards her, but before he could reach her, a nurse stepped between them and stopped him.

"You have to wait outside, son," she commanded, but Eli hardly heard her. His eyes were fixed on Clare's face. He kept calling to her, calling her name over and over.

Eli felt a pair of strong arms wrap around his body and he started to move backwards again.

"She's asleep!" he screamed. "She's sleeping! Let her rest! Clare! Clare!"

He found himself in the hallway and the door to Clare's hospital room closed in his face. The beeping alarm finally stopped ringing in his ears. Eli stared at the off white door in disbelief. He stepped back until his back hit a wall and then he sank to the floor, his entire body shaking.

Eli felt himself being torn in two. He saw Clare in that bed and she was sleeping. But part of him couldn't shake off the possibility that he was wrong. That something wasn't right. He didn't know how much time had passed before someone approached him. It was Mr. Edwards, Clare's dad. Eli shakily lifted himself up and looked at the older man.

"Eli," he started, his voice wavering. "I'm sorry. Clare's gone. She…"

His lips kept moving, but Eli wasn't listening to the words Clare's dad was saying anymore. Eli turned and started to walk away. Before he was out of ear shot, he heard Mr. Edwards say something about Clare having lost too much blood. Eli shook his head and moved through the hospital, away from him. He turned the corner and kept walking, not sure where he was going, not really thinking about it.

Eli stopped when he reached the end of the hallway and looked up. The word "Sanctuary" was written in script above the door. Eli moved forward, opening the double doors and stepping into the church. His eyes were immediately drawn to the stained glass window on the opposite wall, depicting who Eli assumed were Mary and baby Jesus. Soft organ music played and Eli felt like he could faintly place the tune.

_Eli groaned as the old woman began to play the organ again. He apparently groaned a little too loudly because the couple in front of him turned around to glare at him. He widened his eyes a bit, looking down. Clare's grandmother nudged him and he looked over at her sheepishly. She moved the song book on her lap closer to him so that he could read the words and sing along._

_Eli looked away from the book and looked around the small church. It was the one Clare's grandmother had gone to since she was a little girl and didn't look like it had been updated since then. His eyes drifted to the front and immediately settled on Clare's beautiful face. She watched the choir director as she sang. She wore long robes, just like the rest of the choir, her baby bump slightly visible beneath it. She must have felt his eyes on her because she moved her eyes to look at him. Eli smiled wide at her and she returned the smile, blushing deeply and offering him a small wave as she continued to sing._

_He tried to imagine her naked beneath those robes and his mind continued down an impure path that kept him occupied through the rest of the service. It wasn't until Clare's grandmother nudged him again that he realized it was over. The church's patrons were filing out of the back of the room. _

"_You ready, kiddo?" she asked, her little old lady voice full of endearment for him. _

_Eli took in a deep breath and nodded. "You bet." He left the pew and walked down the aisle to stand at the altar. He had never had this view before and he took in his surroundings. Adam came up to him, smiling wide and reached up to straighten Eli's tie. _

"_Let's do this," he said, nodding once. Eli smiled wide at him and hit his fist against Adam's. They heard Pachabel's Canon start and Adam moved to stand on Eli's left. The door to the chapel opened and Fiona made their way towards them. Eli looked over at Adam and marveled at the huge smile on his face as he watched Fiona walk towards them. Eli almost could have sworn that Adam was the one getting married until he heard the minister clear his throat. _

_Eli looked towards the back door once more to see Clare coming towards him, her arm wrapped around her father's. She wore a simple, white lace dress that showed off her baby bump more than the choir robes she wore previously. Eli smiled at her and her eyes twinkled as she smiled back._

_When Clare said she wanted a small ceremony, Eli protested at first. But he couldn't deny her for long. He just wanted to make her happy, so he agreed to go along with it. They invited their parents, Clare's grandmother, Adam, and Fiona. Eli knew that Clare had wanted Alli as her maid of honor, but Alli still lived in India with her aunt and uncle. Her parents moved her there after they learned about everything unsavory things that were going down at Degrassi. When Adam and Fiona got together, Fiona and Clare became close. Close enough, Eli hoped, for Fiona to be a suitable maid of honor. But Clare didn't seem to mind. She beamed as she reached him, slipping her hand into his. Before turning to the minister, she reached up with her other hand and brushed the hair from his eyes, like she always did._

_They exchanged vows that they had written and simple silver bands, promising to get nicer ones once they had the money. The whole group went out to lunch and then Eli brought Clare home to their apartment, where they spent the rest of the day doing, as Eli put it, "what married people do"._

Eli moved down the aisle now, feeling as if his body was moving of its own accord, his mind completely detached. He sat down in the front pew and tried hard to hear what Clare's father was trying to tell him. Clare couldn't be dead. She was his wife. The mother of their child. He needed her. He couldn't do this without her.

He clenched his fists and stood, kicking the pew he was just resting on. He screamed in frustration. He pushed over the potted flowers the rested around the altar. Picking up a tall plant stand, he swung with all of his might, knocking over the podium that stood to the left. He lifted the stand again and lowered it onto a table of candles. He stopped when heard glass shatter and hit his face. He stumbled back in surprise.

Looking down at his feet, Eli saw half of a glass candlestick, broken from the blow of the plant stand. He lifted it and it felt unusually heavy in his hand. He wanted to throw it, but the sharp, broken edge caught his eye. He ran his finger across it and jumped when he felt it cut his skin, surprised by the pain. His body still shaking, Eli set the candlestick down on a nearby pew and reached down to pull his shirt over his head. He picked the candlestick up again. Swallowing hard, he raised the sharp edge up to the left side of his chest. He pressed it against his skin until a trickle of blood ran down to his stomach. He dragged the candlestick against his heart about five inches, then lifted it and started the process over, creating a new line each time.

Eli's vision became cloudy and suddenly the candlestick was too heavy in his hand. He let it drop out of his hand and fall to the ground. He was falling back and he couldn't stop himself. He saw the smashed altar, the stained glass window, the ceiling, then his eyes closed.

When his eyes opened again, all Eli saw was white. He furrowed his brow and sat up, bringing his hand up to his chest. His shirt was on again and there was no blood, no pain. He stood and tried to get a grip on his surroundings. All he saw was white. It seemed to go on for miles. He remembered Clare, her eyes closed and face pale, dead. He remembered their son and how he didn't know if he was alive or dead. Tears filled Eli's eyes finally and he let them pour down his face. Crumbling to the ground again, his body shaking violently with sobs, he curled into a ball.

"Eli," he heard his name called.

He jumped, having thought that he was alone. He looked up and saw Adam, his best friend, standing a few feet away. He got to his feet quickly, hastily wiping his eyes. He swallowed hard, and then took a few steps towards him. When Adam didn't move, Eli closed the distance between them, throwing his arms around the smaller man. Eli could tell that Adam was hugging him back, but he didn't feel as if Adam was completely there.

"I've missed you," Eli admitted and Adam nodded, pulling away.

"I know. I've missed you, man."

Eli furrowed his brow and fought the tears threatening to fall. "Adam, why—?"

Adam held up his hands to stop Eli. He shook his head and Eli stopped.

"I'm sorry," Adam said. "Thanks for taking care of Fiona."

Eli nodded and opened his mouth to speak, but a new voice came from behind him.

"Eli," she said. He recognized it at once as Clare's voice. He turned and laid his eyes on her. She was no longer pale and weak. She stood strong, a quiet blush on her cheeks and a sad smile at her lips. He took a step towards her, then turned to Adam, afraid he would disappear. Adam smiled encouragingly and Eli turned back to Clare. He walked towards her slowly. She reached out and cupped his cheek with one hand, the other reaching up to brush his hair from his eyes. His eyes closed at the faint touch.

"Clare," he whispered. "I'm sorry." He opened his eyes, looking into her blue eyes that were filled with confusion. She dropped her hand from his face.

"Why?" she asked. He furrowed his brow.

"I've left our son. He's an orphan and he's not even a day old. I'm so sorry."

Clare's sad smile didn't leave her lips as she shook her head. "You're not dead, Eli."

He widened his eyes. "I'm not? But I—…" he trailed off and looked down. There was blood on his t-shirt now, over the left side of his chest. He looked back up at her. "Not dead?"

Clare shook her head again and pulled Eli into a hug as tears fell down his cheeks again.

"I need you, Clare. I can't do this without you."

"You can," Adam said as he placed a hand on Eli's back. He pulled back and looked between the two of them before pulling them into a hug. They stood there for a long time before Eli heard crying. It was a baby. The trio turned and saw a swaddled baby lying on the ground and crying.

"It's him," Clare said.

Eli hesitated. "Is he all right?" he asked apprehensively.

"Go and see."

Eli went to the baby and gingerly picked him up. The baby felt awkward in his arms, but more real than Clare and Adam felt to him now. Clare came up to him and adjusted the baby so that it felt more natural in Eli's arms. At Clare's touch, the baby stopped crying and opened his eyes, revealing a brilliant shade of blue. The sight took Eli's breath away.

"He's beautiful," he whispered. Clare nodded and placed a kiss on the baby's forehead.

A high-pitched beeping sounded around the white room and panic filled Eli's body.

"It's time," Adam said, putting his hand on Eli's arm. Eli looked from him to Clare, his eyes wide.

"No! No, not yet. Clare. I can't. Not without you," he pleaded.

Clare smiled. "I'm not gone, Eli." She looked down at the baby boy in his arms, running her hand over his chocolate brown hair. "I'm here." Her hand trailed up to rest over Eli's heart. "And here. Not gone."

"Not gone," Adam mirrored.

Eli nodded, but felt unsure. "I love you, man," he said. Adam smiled back and nodded once. Eli looked at Clare and took in a shaky breath. "Clare…"

"I love you," she whispered sweetly, reaching up to brush his hair from his eyes for the final time.

"I love you," he replied. Adam and Clare's figures began to retreat into the white and Eli looked down to realize the baby was gone, too. He sat down on the ground and pulled his knees to his chest. His squeezed his eyes shut and tried to imagine Clare and Adam's arms around him again.

When the high-pitched beep became more real than his arms around his legs, Eli opened his eyes slowly. Hospital ceiling tiles became the first thing that he could recognize. He took in a breath and frowned as he felt a pain in his chest.

"Eli," he heard a female voice say. For a sick moment, he thought it was Clare, but part of him knew better than to be so hopeful. He turned his head and saw Clare's mother at his bedside. She smiled warmly, tear tracks still visible on her cheeks, and reached up to move the hair from his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak, but she shook her head. "You're all right now. Just get some rest. When you wake up, I'll bring you your son."

Eli half-smiled at her and turned back towards the ceiling, closing his eyes.

"_Promise me something," Clare said, watching Eli as they lay on his bed, running his fingers over the small tummy she was starting to get. Adam looked over at them from Eli's desk._

"_Hm?" Eli asked, not taking his eyes from her stomach._

"_Promise me that, one day, you'll write a story about our awesome lives and adventures," she said with a smile._

_Adam smiled wide. "Yeah! It could be a comic book!"_

_Eli laughed and rolled onto his back, scooting his body up so that his head was sharing a pillow with Clare. He reached down and laced his fingers with hers. _

"_All right. We'll all do it together. The Four Musketeers."_

_Clare looked at Adam. "What should we call it?"_

_He thought a moment and then shrugged. "I don't know. We'll let him or her decide." He pointed to her stomach._

_Clare nodded. They were silent for a while before Eli looked over at Adam. "Do you think Fiona would let us all live together? I mean…when we're all grown up?"_

_Adam laughed. "No way, man. I've got to get a mansion for that girl." The trio laughed._

"_I guess you're right," Eli sighed._

"_I love you guys," Clare said, sobering up the moment a bit. _

_Adam smiled and cocked his head to the side. "We love you, Clare."_

_Eli spoke softly, giving her hand a squeeze. "Yeah, Blue Eyes. We love you, too."_

_Clare looked over at him and smiled, her cheeks covered with a slight blush. She reached up with her free hand and brushed the hair from Eli's eyes._

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**A/N: Please R&R. I know a lot of people don't when the story is already complete, but since this was my first time writing anything like this, feedback is seriously appreciated. Thanks for reading.**


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